


Damaged goods

by Catpal



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-29 21:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19838734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catpal/pseuds/Catpal
Summary: “After we dropped the perp off at the station, I went back to the poker den. I sat outside for almost an hour, tryin’ to fight myself.”“Okay, okay, did you go in?”





	Damaged goods

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Rolivia fic, but I’m basically complete trash right now, so I needed to write something up. All mistakes are my own.
> 
> Jessie and Noah both exist but Billie doesn’t

Amanda stood outside Olivia’s apartment building, taking the last drag of her cigarette, drawing it out, trying to pull out every last bit of nicotine to calm her frazzled nerves. The last time she’d been this nervous, she’d been about to tell her Lieutenant exactly how she felt about her for the first time. Now, several months later, the blonde felt almost as if she were walking to her doom. Her eyes burned from exhaustion and a part of her prayed that when she got upstairs, the woman she loved would already be asleep and she could spend one more night in this happy little bubble she had created. Maybe, if Olivia was asleep, Amanda could just curl up next to her, hold her like so many nights before and push back the darkness that was threatening to envelop her. God, she’d really fucked up. 

As she approached the apartment door, she silently cursed whatever God was supposed to be out there and looking out for her. Low light leaked from under the gap in the door and she knew the brunette was up, waiting for her safe arrival home, probably reading by lamp light, curled up on the couch with a blanket, her glasses perched on her nose. Amanda swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. Of course it was always meant to end this way, Olivia was so perfect, so enigmatic, too good for a wreck from Georgia with more feelings than she knew how to deal with. She took a deep breath and steeled herself, unlocking the door and pushing it open, almost smiling as the exact image she had envisioned seconds earlier came into her eye line. 

Olivia looked up from her book, pulling off her glasses, a look of concern on her face.

“Hey, I expected you home ages ago. The kids wanted to stay awake to see you, but it just got too late.” 

Amanda could feel the brunette searching her face for clues. She was a brilliant detective, but even without her years on the force she still would have always been able to read Amanda like a book. 

“The kids? Both of em?” Amanda asked, hanging her bag and jacket, avoiding meeting the dark brown eyes she could feel burning into the side of her face. 

“Yea, Noah did really well on that book report you helped him with. A+. He really wanted to show you.” 

At the thought of Noah’s sweet little face, excited and proud, Amanda finally broke. It had been such a long day, such a long week, such a hard case. She’d screwed up so bad, she was so tired. She couldn’t hold it in anymore. She leaned against the front door, sliding down, until she rested on the floor, elbows on knees, hands covering her face. 

“Amanda? Sweetie, what’s wrong?” 

She heard Olivia stand from the couch, knew she was heading towards her. She started to panic, every fibre in her being telling her to run from the truth, to leave and never tell Olivia what she had done tonight, but she was so tired. And she craved Olivia’s comforting touch more than she would ever dare to admit. She knew as soon as the older woman was there, next to her, comforting her in that way that only she could, the the truth would come, whether she wanted it to or not. And then, this wonderful thing that they had started, this little seedling of hope inside of her that had just started making its way to the light, could so easily be crushed under the weight of her damage. Her fight or flight instincts suddenly took over, a strange panic filling her body as her heart pounded in her ears. Almost as if from the next room she heard herself muttering something self deprecating that Olivia didn’t quite catch. 

“Sweetie, sorry what did you say?,” the brunette asked from next to her, sinking down to the floor, and gently rubbing her hand across the blonde’s lower back, exactly where she knew was the most soothing spot. 

“I said I don’t deserve this.” Amanda repeated, almost robotically. She had no memory of the thought forming in her head, but as the words tumbled out of her mouth, she knew they were true. “I’m damaged goods, this is too much, I don’t deserve this kind of life.” 

She heard Olivia take a sharp breath, and then silence filled the room, pushing up against Amanda, threatening to overcome her. After what seemed like hours, but could have only been minutes, the brunette shifted around on the floor so she was facing her. Gently she pulled the blonde’s hands from her face and looked at her intently until blue eyes were forced to meet brown. 

“What happened?” The older woman asked gently, her voice barely above a whisper, her eyes wet with tears Amanda knew she refused to let fall. 

“You know how we picked the perp up tonight? Me and Fin?” 

Olivia nodded gently, her eyes wide, searching the blonde’s face for any clues. 

“It was an illegal poker den.” Amanda continued, dropping her eyes from the brunette’s, staring instead at their clasped hands, wishing she could just curl up into herself and this would all just be over. 

Olivia, for her part, still said nothing. If this was an interrogation, she’d be pushing for a confession, filling in the gaps of the story out loud, but here in this moment she wasn’t Lieutenant Benson, she was her Liv, calm, patient and caring. It made Amanda feel even worse, she was so undeserving of Olivia’s kindness and yet she received it every single day, and that thought was what pushed her forward, to speak her truth, even as the tightness in her chest threatened to take over her entire body and the voice in her head screamed that she should run. 

“The perp, I let him get to me Liv. I let this whole case get to me.” She paused, taking in a deep breath, felt it rattle through her rib cage as she tried to still the tremble in her hands. 

“After we dropped the perp off at the station, I went back to the poker den. I sat outside for almost an hour, tryin’ to fight myself.” 

“Okay, okay, did you go in?” Olivia prompted gently, pushing blonde bangs from her face, ever so carefully tucking them back behind her ear, an action that generally made Amanda a little bit weak in the knees. 

Amanda leaned her head back against the door. Squeezing her eyes tight against the tears that threatened to fall. 

“No. I went to a meeting.”

“Baby, that’s good, you did so good.” The brunette sounded relieved as she rubbed her hands along Amanda’s shins encouragingly. 

The blonde took another deep shaky breath. 

“There was a guy. He shared at the meeting. Liv, he looked exactly like Patton.” 

Olivia hands froze in their ministrations. And the blonde could feel her anticipation for what was to come next, knowing Amanda’s tendency to act impulsively. 

“This guy Liv, he asked me for a coffee after the meetin’, I said no, I just wanted to get home to you, to the kids.” She paused, moving her head away from the door, deliberately making eye contact with her girlfriend, seeking the comfort she knew she would find in the, even if she knew she didn’t deserve it. 

“He called me a slut, he told me I’d been leading him on all meetin’, staring at him.” 

A flicker of anger passed over Olivia’s features, it would have been almost imperceptible to anyone else, but the blonde had spent so many hours studying the features that made up that beautiful face, she couldn’t miss it. 

“It just brought back all those bad memories. I don’t know why I did it Liv, but I went to a sports bar. I placed a bet.” 

The blonde had been kidding herself if she thought she’d feel better after the truth was out there. She felt even more panicked now as she searched the older woman’s face, waiting for a reaction. The panic in her body seized her, the voice in her head becoming the only thing she could hear. 

“It was stupid, I know, but you and Noah, you deserve better than a wreck like me.” The blonde stood up, trying to get away from Olivia’s inscrutable gaze, fresh tears falling unbidden from her eyes. 

“I understand if you’re done with me now, like I said, damaged goods. I’ll ah, I’ll just get Jessie and get out of your hair.” 

Olivia stood so quickly, it almost gave the blonde a fright. Her expression was fierce and steely, the tears gone from her eyes. 

“If you’re damaged goods, what does that make me?” The older woman asked, the intensity in her eyes almost too much for the blonde, as she grabbed her hand and brought it just inside the neckline of her loose pyjama top. Amanda’s fingertips met scar tissue and even though she couldn’t see, she knew the scar was shaped perfectly like the key to Olivia’s old apartment, a gift from Lewis. It had only taken the blonde a week to memorise every part of the older woman’s skin, every freckle, every sensitive spot, every scar. 

“You don’t get to do this, you don’t get to tell me what my son and I deserve. I have never seen Noah so happy,” Olivia swallowed thickly and the blonde’s stomach dropped when she saw tears spilling from the brunette’s eyes and knew that it was all her fault.

“I’ve never been so happy.” The words came out a hoarse whisper and Amanda had to use all her strength not to turn away from this emotionally powered moment. 

“You made one mistake Amanda, do you really think that I’m just going to ruin what we’ve started because of one mistake?” 

Silence fell over the apartment and the blonde dropped her gaze to her feet, god she was so stupid. She really let her self doubt get in the way again? This family unit they had just started to build, she was really going to walk away from it that easily. She needed to have more faith in herself, in Olivia. 

“How I see it, you’ve got two options,” the brunette broke the silence and Amanda’s train of thought. “You stop all this self pity right now, and you come to bed and let me hold you, and tell you all the reasons why what happened tonight is not your fault, and all the reasons why I wouldn’t let you go over something so small and in the morning you go straight to a meeting, and we continue to work on us and this family.” 

“Or?” 

“Or, you can leave now if you really want to, if it’s too hard for you, if it’s too trying on you and your ability to work your program. It’ll break my heart, but I won’t stop you because I just want you to be the best version of yourself, the happiest you can be, for you, and for that little girl down there.” 

Olivia raised her hand to point down the hall to where Amanda knew the kids were fast asleep, unaware that the life they’d know for the last few months might just be about to come crashing down around their heads. The brunette’s hand was shaking, and Amanda knew the strength it had taken her to keep her words calm through her speech. 

The blonde didn’t even need time to make her decision, stepping forward into the older woman’s space, tilting her head upward until Olivia brought her down so their foreheads could meet. Amanda brought her hand around to hold the back of her girl’s friend’s neck. She stood their for a moment, breathing her in. 

“I’m so sorry.” She whispered, hoping it was enough, hoping everything she felt could be conveyed in those three little words. 

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay.” Olivia wrapped her arms around her, bringing her into her right embrace, holding her still and steady and it was the first time all day that Amanda felt like she could truly breath. 

“Let’s go to bed.” The brunette broke the silence several moments later, releasing her arms and ending the embrace. Amanda immediately missed the contact, her body screaming out for Olivia. The older woman grabbed her hand and led her down the hall, towards her bedroom. In the darkness she thought she heard a small, almost imperceptible chuckle. 

“Did you just laugh?” The blonde asked incredulously, using her free hand to wipe the wetness from her face. 

“I’m sorry I don’t mean to make light of the situation,” Olivia said as they reached her bedroom, and she switched on the light, bending to remove Amanda’s shoes for her. 

“Why are you laughing?” The blonde couldn’t help the smile that crept onto her face as she playfully slapped at her girlfriend’s shoulder. 

“I just can’t believe you’d be so blind to how much I love you, that you’d actually think I’d let you walk away from me because of a tiny mistake.” 

The blonde immediately sobered up, the lightness of the moment disappearing as quickly as it had come. 

“What?” Olivia’s face was full of concern again. 

“You love me?” 

“Of course I do my sweet, silly girl, how could I not?” Olivia stepped forward, grabbing the blonde’s face in her hands, kissing her deeply. 

Amanda fell into the kiss, finally letting go of the tension in her body and of every negative thought that had managed to permeate her brain in the last few hours. She knew that tomorrow morning she was going to have to start working her program even harder. That she’d have to use whatever strength she had left within her to pull herself back on that wagon. If she had Olivia’s love and support, surely she could face anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please review. I have ideas for some more fluffy fics, maybe I’ll make this a series, but I also have crippling self doubt so I’d love to hear what ya’ll think before I keep writing.


End file.
